by Naomi Aldort
Q:My daughter is very musical. She sings in tune, has a great sense of rhythm and loves music. We have a piano at home and she can figure out some little tunes by ear. I offered her piano lessons, but she is not interested. Everyone tells me that she should start Suzuki piano and that I am neglecting her talent. I know two of your children are musicians so I wondered if you would address this subject and share your experience.
A: Nothing is more fun for me than talking about my children, so thank you for a delightful question.
I do not recommend any lessons at an early age or at any time before your daughter asks for it of her own free will. Even the test of asking is not enough. We parents are gullible when it comes to talent. We tend to live our own dreams of glory through our children. Unfortunately children sense it and will go along the path of our dream if we are not careful. They will look happy and we will be fooled into thinking that they love the lessons, when what they really love is to please us and be the sunshine of our dreams. Eventually this becomes old and the child’s search for herself collides with her need to please her parents or other adults. Depression is one of the most common results of such inner confusion.
When two of my children asked me for music lessons (at ages 9 and 6), I said, “Ok, I will ask around about teachers.” I didn’t show enthusiasm or interest and didn’t rush to the phone either. I waited for a repeated nag, the kind you get when your child wants a candy or a special toy. I waited to be sure that the children were driven by their own passion and not by a need for approval. When a second and third reminder came, “mom did you call a cello/violin teacher?” I said, “not yet, but keep reminding me so I don’t forget.” They did. Each child separately. They nagged. Passion was present. I had to make the call.
Before interviewing teachers, I shared my view of lessons with the children. I told them that I will pay for the lessons, sit and write notes at the lesson and support their musical needs. I also explained, “It is your responsibility to practice daily and to be ready for the next lesson.” They could have tried just a few lessons and said, “no, I don’t like it,” or, “I want to try a different teacher/instrument.” They always know that they don’t have to take lessons. They are not tied for years to an idea that passed their mind at a young age. It is their choice.
My oldest, Jonathan, asked for violin lessons when he was seven and a half. We returned home for a violin recital and for the next few days he asked again and again for lessons, so I got him a teacher and a little violin. He took lessons for six months and was playing Bach very nicely. His little three your old brother, Lennon, was accompanying him on the piano by ear. Then he notified me that he was stopping the violin lessons. So he did. He said to me, “When I listened to that violinist in the concert I was curious to know how to get such a beautiful sound out of this piece of wood. Now I know. I don’t need lessons any more.” Every experience is valuable. The child who has the passion to become a musician will tell you so by continuing her lessons.
Young children have no idea what “taking lessons” means. They often say “yes” and get excited about things. If we insist that they stay with a class that is not exciting to them any more, they will hesitate to take lessons next time. If one loses her freedom to choose, it becomes unsafe to take a class, join a group or commit to anything.
We all pass through many interests and experiences. Most don’t become life passions. We develop commitment when we choose freely and authentically. This is the reason I suggest that you be very respectful of your daughter; make no assumptions about what she wants and wait for her to lead the way. I hear that she is happy playing by ear and she has no interest in anyone limiting her experience with “teaching.” A wise child indeed.
At age three-and-a-half, Lennon played classical music by ear, hands together, full speed and flawlessly, moving Bach and Beethoven from key to key and improvising with ease. He had no lessons and no interest in guidance. My relatives were very worried because I didn’t put him in the hands of an expert teacher. When Lennon asked for violin lessons at age nine, he practiced three times a day and played Bach double concerto in his fourth month. But he had no interest in performing or in the detailed work that goes with becoming a stage artist. Instead he composed music and at age fourteen conducted his own symphony and received a standing ovation from a full roaring house.
Now at sixteen, Lennon says that music is not his main interest. He loves movies, the computer and inquiring into the nature of being. He was recently invited and gave a talk about self-realization to a group of adults. As his path unfolds I watch with curiosity and love.
Our youngest is a performer so far. Oliver is only twelve yet has already been on National Public Radio, on TV and a soloist with symphony orchestras since the age of ten. He has perfect pitch, seems engaged in music much of his day, and he loves the stage. He too showed his first genius at age three-and-a-half playing songs with chords by ear and improvising. From the start he was eager to perform. He asked to be on stage before he was four and had to be “dragged” off stage or he would have performed his whole full hour repertoire. At age seven, after only one year of lessons, Oliver requested to give his own full recital. He had to beg me to rent the concert hall and persisted in the face of my reluctance. (Honestly I dreaded the amount of work it took, but was grateful later.) He was a cover story in the paper’s B section and a hundred and forty people paid to hear his concert.
I hope this helps you see how children with passion demand to get what they need. Delight in your daughter and enjoy loving her musical and other experiences. She needs nothing but your confidence in who she is. She is already confident and clear and if you don’t doubt her by injecting your projections or aspirations, she will do exactly what is best for her. Respond to her musical love by joining and enriching her experience. Provide a variety of CDs, join her when she dances to music and take her to short concerts and to musicals or operas.
Avoid making a fuss about her successes so her freedom is unharmed. Play the piano yourself. Expose your daughter to using the piano for free self-expression by improvising.
Here are some musical games that leave the child’s love of music alive and growing:
1) Sit together at the piano and improvise four hands. Anything goes.
2) Improvise together with the one sitting at the base giving a beat. You can use fists, elbows, palms and even nose.
3) Describe animals, feelings, colors or the rain. One of you can act, both play, one plays one guess the animal etc.
4) A picture book can be a great inspiration for improvisation.
5) Dance to her improvisation.
6) Drum, sing and dance.
If, at some point, your daughter insists on having lessons, explain to her what it would demand of her and sign her up for just a couple of lessons, then ask her how she liked it and if she is interested in more. There may be more than one teacher and class to choose from. I introduce my child to a few teachers to choose from. Teachers appreciate this careful selection. It helps them have students who truly love them and connect well with them. As a life learner, you want to make sure that your daughter has a teacher who respects her and flows with her style of learning and musical expression. Enjoy your daughter with curiosity and follow her lead.
©Copyright Naomi Aldort
Q:My daughter is very musical. She sings in tune, has a great sense of rhythm and loves music. We have a piano at home and she can figure out some little tunes by ear. I offered her piano lessons, but she is not interested. Everyone tells me that she should start Suzuki piano and that I am neglecting her talent. I know two of your children are musicians so I wondered if you would address this subject and share your experience.
A: Nothing is more fun for me than talking about my children, so thank you for a delightful question.
I do not recommend any lessons at an early age or at any time before your daughter asks for it of her own free will. Even the test of asking is not enough. We parents are gullible when it comes to talent. We tend to live our own dreams of glory through our children. Unfortunately children sense it and will go along the path of our dream if we are not careful. They will look happy and we will be fooled into thinking that they love the lessons, when what they really love is to please us and be the sunshine of our dreams. Eventually this becomes old and the child’s search for herself collides with her need to please her parents or other adults. Depression is one of the most common results of such inner confusion.
When two of my children asked me for music lessons (at ages 9 and 6), I said, “Ok, I will ask around about teachers.” I didn’t show enthusiasm or interest and didn’t rush to the phone either. I waited for a repeated nag, the kind you get when your child wants a candy or a special toy. I waited to be sure that the children were driven by their own passion and not by a need for approval. When a second and third reminder came, “mom did you call a cello/violin teacher?” I said, “not yet, but keep reminding me so I don’t forget.” They did. Each child separately. They nagged. Passion was present. I had to make the call.
Before interviewing teachers, I shared my view of lessons with the children. I told them that I will pay for the lessons, sit and write notes at the lesson and support their musical needs. I also explained, “It is your responsibility to practice daily and to be ready for the next lesson.” They could have tried just a few lessons and said, “no, I don’t like it,” or, “I want to try a different teacher/instrument.” They always know that they don’t have to take lessons. They are not tied for years to an idea that passed their mind at a young age. It is their choice.
My oldest, Jonathan, asked for violin lessons when he was seven and a half. We returned home for a violin recital and for the next few days he asked again and again for lessons, so I got him a teacher and a little violin. He took lessons for six months and was playing Bach very nicely. His little three your old brother, Lennon, was accompanying him on the piano by ear. Then he notified me that he was stopping the violin lessons. So he did. He said to me, “When I listened to that violinist in the concert I was curious to know how to get such a beautiful sound out of this piece of wood. Now I know. I don’t need lessons any more.” Every experience is valuable. The child who has the passion to become a musician will tell you so by continuing her lessons.
Young children have no idea what “taking lessons” means. They often say “yes” and get excited about things. If we insist that they stay with a class that is not exciting to them any more, they will hesitate to take lessons next time. If one loses her freedom to choose, it becomes unsafe to take a class, join a group or commit to anything.
We all pass through many interests and experiences. Most don’t become life passions. We develop commitment when we choose freely and authentically. This is the reason I suggest that you be very respectful of your daughter; make no assumptions about what she wants and wait for her to lead the way. I hear that she is happy playing by ear and she has no interest in anyone limiting her experience with “teaching.” A wise child indeed.
At age three-and-a-half, Lennon played classical music by ear, hands together, full speed and flawlessly, moving Bach and Beethoven from key to key and improvising with ease. He had no lessons and no interest in guidance. My relatives were very worried because I didn’t put him in the hands of an expert teacher. When Lennon asked for violin lessons at age nine, he practiced three times a day and played Bach double concerto in his fourth month. But he had no interest in performing or in the detailed work that goes with becoming a stage artist. Instead he composed music and at age fourteen conducted his own symphony and received a standing ovation from a full roaring house.
Now at sixteen, Lennon says that music is not his main interest. He loves movies, the computer and inquiring into the nature of being. He was recently invited and gave a talk about self-realization to a group of adults. As his path unfolds I watch with curiosity and love.
Our youngest is a performer so far. Oliver is only twelve yet has already been on National Public Radio, on TV and a soloist with symphony orchestras since the age of ten. He has perfect pitch, seems engaged in music much of his day, and he loves the stage. He too showed his first genius at age three-and-a-half playing songs with chords by ear and improvising. From the start he was eager to perform. He asked to be on stage before he was four and had to be “dragged” off stage or he would have performed his whole full hour repertoire. At age seven, after only one year of lessons, Oliver requested to give his own full recital. He had to beg me to rent the concert hall and persisted in the face of my reluctance. (Honestly I dreaded the amount of work it took, but was grateful later.) He was a cover story in the paper’s B section and a hundred and forty people paid to hear his concert.
I hope this helps you see how children with passion demand to get what they need. Delight in your daughter and enjoy loving her musical and other experiences. She needs nothing but your confidence in who she is. She is already confident and clear and if you don’t doubt her by injecting your projections or aspirations, she will do exactly what is best for her. Respond to her musical love by joining and enriching her experience. Provide a variety of CDs, join her when she dances to music and take her to short concerts and to musicals or operas.
Avoid making a fuss about her successes so her freedom is unharmed. Play the piano yourself. Expose your daughter to using the piano for free self-expression by improvising.
Here are some musical games that leave the child’s love of music alive and growing:
1) Sit together at the piano and improvise four hands. Anything goes.
2) Improvise together with the one sitting at the base giving a beat. You can use fists, elbows, palms and even nose.
3) Describe animals, feelings, colors or the rain. One of you can act, both play, one plays one guess the animal etc.
4) A picture book can be a great inspiration for improvisation.
5) Dance to her improvisation.
6) Drum, sing and dance.
If, at some point, your daughter insists on having lessons, explain to her what it would demand of her and sign her up for just a couple of lessons, then ask her how she liked it and if she is interested in more. There may be more than one teacher and class to choose from. I introduce my child to a few teachers to choose from. Teachers appreciate this careful selection. It helps them have students who truly love them and connect well with them. As a life learner, you want to make sure that your daughter has a teacher who respects her and flows with her style of learning and musical expression. Enjoy your daughter with curiosity and follow her lead.
©Copyright Naomi Aldort
Naomi Aldort is the author of, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. Parents from around the globe seek Aldort's advice by phone, in person and by listening to her CDs and attending her workshops. Her advice columns appear in progressive parenting magazines in Canada, USA, AU, UK, and translated to German, French, Hebrew, Dutch, Japanese, Chinese, Indonesian and Spanish.
Naomi Aldort is married and a mother of three. Her youngest son is fourteen-year-old cellist Oliver Aldort www.OliverAldort.com. Her middle son is seventeen year old composer and self made pianist Lennon Aldort, www.LennonAldort.com
For free newsletter, information on teleclasses, phone sessions and products: www.NaomiAldort.com or www.AuthenticParent.com
