Teaching Kindness: Magic Words for Parents
Parent Question:
Our nine year old seems resentful and unkind. Not only he doesn’t help or use polite words, but he has recently been saying, “I hate you,” to me and to his older brother. I have gently told him that it hurts and that he should not speak this way. We home school and spend a lot of time together. How do I teach my child to be kind and use proper language?
Naomi’s Response:
It is wonderful that your son is expressing himself candidly and it would be best if you help him express it more.
The concern is not what he says, but what he feels. Why is he feeling resentful? Why is he feeling hurt or angry? Our job is to find the valid cause and to address and heal it. It is not our goal to stop the words that express a valid feeling, but to listen and provide care. Indeed, the first step of healing any emotional hurt is self-expression.
To find out what hurts him, all you have to do is use Naomi Aldort’s magic words: “Tell me more about it.” These words, followed by open hearted listening and by more specific questions, will help open the gate of emotions, so your son can unleash his feelings in the safety of your loving presence and possibly in your arms. This way you will be connected with him, on his side, and able to know what is hurting him so you can do something about it.
In my book, Raising Our children, Raising Ourselves, I devote a long chapter to the crucial importance of a child’s freedom to self-express. The child needs to feel safe to say what he feels without fearing any repercussions. Feelings are always valid in all their verbal, vocal and tearful shades. The child must know that expressing all emotions is safe and welcome unconditionally.
Most of us grew up with “magic words” that were oppressive rather than magical. Telling a child, “say please,” “say thank you” or “tell her you are sorry…” causes a feeling of shame and failure. The child is learning to tell others what to say; to shame and to control others while, at the same time he is shriveling inside, feeling failing and desperate. His conclusion about himself mark his soul with conclusions that lower his self-esteem like:
I must be bad, because I don’t feel like saying this.
My parents don’t approve of me… I am not lovable.
I hate saying these words - something must be wrong with me.
I must have done/said something horrible - I am bad.
Its useless, I will never be what they want.
I give up, its hopeless.
Etc.
Likewise telling a child NOT to say how he really feels shuts him down emotionally, preventing the connection that could otherwise bring clarity and healing, and bringing on self-loathing thoughts and emotional isolation.
Preventing the expression does not take away the cause and the valid and real need. In fact saying how one feels is the way to heal and connect. We pay therapists to be able to do just that.
As for words hurting others, your intention is kind but the result is the opposite of what you wish for. The moment we tell a child that his words have the power to hurt another, he feels horribly guilty (a toxic harmful feeling). He is helplessly scared by his own words and the inability to control this hurting power that comes out of his mouth. (Even most adults do not have emotional self control.)
In addition to feeling guilt and shame, all of you are learning to be victims who are hurt by other people’s words. Instead, we can respond to the emotions with compassion and children then learn that a person’s self-expression is about themselves. (Even when the content is about the other child.) “I hate you” means “I am experiencing the painful emotion of hate, rage, resentment etc.” It does not mean anything about the other child.
If we want to raise emotionally self-reliant, confident people, we must avoid teaching them to be victims and avoid giving such power to the words of others. When not dependent on the words of others for self-image, the child is rooted in himself and therefore peaceful (not anxious about what others think) and authentically kind.
Teach your children that expressing hate is neither harmful nor dangerous. They will become powerful if they learn not to be hurt by such an expression and instead focus on the child who is expressing himself, with compassion.
Suppression of feelings is disconnecting, harmful, and unkind. It says that we don’t care to know how the child feels. If we want to teach kindness, we must be kind enough to listen with love and with an open heart.
As for those polite words, use them to your heart desire (yourself), authentically, and, realize that telling another what to say or feel is unkind at best and does not teach anything other than to tell others what to say/do - not good manners at all.
In this culture we put too much stress on polite code words, thereby teaching that kindness is not our nature but something that requires spacial mention. We will raise kinder people if they see that kindness is not a big deal but rather a matter of being human.
Do you have a question about parenting and homeschooling your children?
Submit your question here
© Copyright Naomi Aldort
Naomi Aldort is the best selling author of, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, published in 18 languages, and of hundreds of internationally published parenting advice columns and articles. Her three adult sons did not go to school. Aldort offers session by Phone/Skype as well as live workshops, family retreats, and speaking events internationally. She works holistically toward a peaceful and powerful parent-child relationships from infancy through teens and adults. For private and family phone/Skype sessions, family retreat, free newsletter, webclasses, CDs, articles, and speaking engagements: www.AuthenticParent.com
Parent Question:
Our nine year old seems resentful and unkind. Not only he doesn’t help or use polite words, but he has recently been saying, “I hate you,” to me and to his older brother. I have gently told him that it hurts and that he should not speak this way. We home school and spend a lot of time together. How do I teach my child to be kind and use proper language?
Naomi’s Response:
It is wonderful that your son is expressing himself candidly and it would be best if you help him express it more.
The concern is not what he says, but what he feels. Why is he feeling resentful? Why is he feeling hurt or angry? Our job is to find the valid cause and to address and heal it. It is not our goal to stop the words that express a valid feeling, but to listen and provide care. Indeed, the first step of healing any emotional hurt is self-expression.
To find out what hurts him, all you have to do is use Naomi Aldort’s magic words: “Tell me more about it.” These words, followed by open hearted listening and by more specific questions, will help open the gate of emotions, so your son can unleash his feelings in the safety of your loving presence and possibly in your arms. This way you will be connected with him, on his side, and able to know what is hurting him so you can do something about it.
In my book, Raising Our children, Raising Ourselves, I devote a long chapter to the crucial importance of a child’s freedom to self-express. The child needs to feel safe to say what he feels without fearing any repercussions. Feelings are always valid in all their verbal, vocal and tearful shades. The child must know that expressing all emotions is safe and welcome unconditionally.
Most of us grew up with “magic words” that were oppressive rather than magical. Telling a child, “say please,” “say thank you” or “tell her you are sorry…” causes a feeling of shame and failure. The child is learning to tell others what to say; to shame and to control others while, at the same time he is shriveling inside, feeling failing and desperate. His conclusion about himself mark his soul with conclusions that lower his self-esteem like:
I must be bad, because I don’t feel like saying this.
My parents don’t approve of me… I am not lovable.
I hate saying these words - something must be wrong with me.
I must have done/said something horrible - I am bad.
Its useless, I will never be what they want.
I give up, its hopeless.
Etc.
Likewise telling a child NOT to say how he really feels shuts him down emotionally, preventing the connection that could otherwise bring clarity and healing, and bringing on self-loathing thoughts and emotional isolation.
Preventing the expression does not take away the cause and the valid and real need. In fact saying how one feels is the way to heal and connect. We pay therapists to be able to do just that.
As for words hurting others, your intention is kind but the result is the opposite of what you wish for. The moment we tell a child that his words have the power to hurt another, he feels horribly guilty (a toxic harmful feeling). He is helplessly scared by his own words and the inability to control this hurting power that comes out of his mouth. (Even most adults do not have emotional self control.)
In addition to feeling guilt and shame, all of you are learning to be victims who are hurt by other people’s words. Instead, we can respond to the emotions with compassion and children then learn that a person’s self-expression is about themselves. (Even when the content is about the other child.) “I hate you” means “I am experiencing the painful emotion of hate, rage, resentment etc.” It does not mean anything about the other child.
If we want to raise emotionally self-reliant, confident people, we must avoid teaching them to be victims and avoid giving such power to the words of others. When not dependent on the words of others for self-image, the child is rooted in himself and therefore peaceful (not anxious about what others think) and authentically kind.
Teach your children that expressing hate is neither harmful nor dangerous. They will become powerful if they learn not to be hurt by such an expression and instead focus on the child who is expressing himself, with compassion.
Suppression of feelings is disconnecting, harmful, and unkind. It says that we don’t care to know how the child feels. If we want to teach kindness, we must be kind enough to listen with love and with an open heart.
As for those polite words, use them to your heart desire (yourself), authentically, and, realize that telling another what to say or feel is unkind at best and does not teach anything other than to tell others what to say/do - not good manners at all.
In this culture we put too much stress on polite code words, thereby teaching that kindness is not our nature but something that requires spacial mention. We will raise kinder people if they see that kindness is not a big deal but rather a matter of being human.
Do you have a question about parenting and homeschooling your children?
Submit your question here
© Copyright Naomi Aldort
Naomi Aldort is the best selling author of, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, published in 18 languages, and of hundreds of internationally published parenting advice columns and articles. Her three adult sons did not go to school. Aldort offers session by Phone/Skype as well as live workshops, family retreats, and speaking events internationally. She works holistically toward a peaceful and powerful parent-child relationships from infancy through teens and adults. For private and family phone/Skype sessions, family retreat, free newsletter, webclasses, CDs, articles, and speaking engagements: www.AuthenticParent.com
