We all know that children need encouragement and praise. Parents who are concerned at all about their children’s self esteem usually give praises freely. But as a parent I never thought much about what I praised. I thought all pleasing qualities were good grounds for praise since that’s what you wanted to encourage, right? From intellect to beauty to accomplishments, and hard work. But oh, my, I certainly wish I had known back when my children were still under my roof what these studies reveal.

Praising Intelligence vs. Praising Hard Work

In the book Nurture Shock: New Thinking about Children the authors report on an experiment involving several hundred young elementary school students, and the findings surprised even the researchers themselves. The children were divided into two classes. The first class was given a test after which the children were praised for how smart they were. The second class took the same test, but after completion, these students were praised for how hard they had worked. Then both classes were asked if they would like to take another test that would be somewhat harder. The majority of the class praised for intelligence was not interested in taking another test. Apparently they didn’t want to take a chance on spoiling their successful record. However, 100% of the class praised for hard work said “yes!” This class seemed to relish the opportunity to work even harder on another test. The researchers were amazed. They had expected some differences but not such a dramatic show as this.

These findings were not just a one time occurrence. Since then other researchers have gone on to match the results of the two types of praise in studies of their own. The bottom line of course is that it matters what you praise. Praising a child for intelligence does not necessarily lead him or her on to greater things. In fact it may do the opposite. But praising hard work encourages a student to attempt even more.

What Did You Fail At Today?

Several years ago I heard an interview with Sara Blakely who founded Spanx. Today she is a billionaire. But there was a crucial moment in her career where she had to risk her savings on founding this company and she really had no idea if the idea would take off. The thing that kept coming back to her was what her dad used to say to her when she was growing up. At the end of a school day  he would often ask her with enthusiastic eagerness, “What did you fail at today?”  Failure was not anything to run from at all in his book. Rather it was something to heartily embrace as an integral part of living and learning. Putting yourself out there, working hard, and attempting something new--these were his clear goals for her. He was pleased with her when she tried and failed. What an incredible mindset to bequeath to your children!

In the book Outliers: The Story of Success, Malcolm Gladwell examines what really goes into success. Though he posits that an intricate interplay of many factors come into play to enable someone to climb to the top of their field, dogged persistence and hard work outweigh most other factors including talent and intellect.

Praising the Attempt, No Matter What the Outcome

For me the evidence seems overwhelming: parents should aim the majority of their praise toward those things which children attempt, accomplish, or do--those things they have control over, such as being kind or working hard. Praising children for qualities which they intrinsically do or do not possess places the emphasis on aspects of their bodies or personalities over which they have much less control, such as intelligence or beauty. When you step back and look, it’s easy to see how the wrong kind of praise might actually increase anxiety rather than promote a healthy confidence. A child cannot help being beautiful or not, yet we often praise this quality not realizing that by doing so we are implanting a mindset in them that this quality is important to us, this is what makes us happy, and this is what we want them to amplify, even rely on for gaining future praise or accolades.

Our culture is going to bombard our children with its constant glamorizing of the superficial. No day will go by without the message that appearance is everything--looking cool, being beautiful, being smart. But we have the opportunity in many ways, not least of which is found in what we praise, to hold up a different standard from the world. We can praise enterprise, curiosity, and hard work. We can praise the attempt, no matter what the outcome. The world sees only the outcome. So claim the power of your praise and use it wisely!

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Laurie White is an author, teacher, and mom to three kids who were homeschooled k-12. She writes books and other supplemental materials for homeschoolers including her popular and award-winning King Alfred’s English which combines history and English in a highly entertaining format for grades 7 and above. For more info and access to Laurie's free downloads go to www.TheShorterWord.com