Question: I started homeschooling my son who is 7 yrs old. He is not interested in doing the school work I have given him. He has tantrums and screams that it is all dumb. How can I get him to do his work? Naomi, I do not want to send him to public school.
Naomi Aldort’s response:
Congratulations on being clear that public school is not a place for your seven-year-old son. He is lucky to escape school’s indoctrination, boredom, social pressure, bullying, shortening attention-span, being tested, being graded, anxiety, competition, being shamed, forced learning, manipulation, tedious boring paper work, social inequality, peer pressure and much more.
More than that: You have done a wonderful job of nurturing your child’s self-reliance. How do I know? Simple: He has the self-trust and self-esteem to reject your mistaken attempt to create school at home. You can celebrate your success and your child’s emotional strength and clarity.
The good news is that you don’t need to be his teacher and recreate school at home. Like you say: “He is not interested…” His tantrum and screaming is a response to your innocent but hurtful attempt to control him like school.
The reason you think you have to get your child to study is not your fault. It is because you probably went to school yourself. To provide the child with autonomy, we must free ourselves from the indoctrination of school that tells us that the child does not learn unless we teach and unless he sits down and does “dumb” paper work. Listen to your child: He calls it dumb because it is dumb whether in school or out of school. It is NOT how children learn.
I recall when, at age 15, my unschooled son passed the GED tests after three weeks of studying. He never before studied any of these subjects. His life was focused on play and music. After he passed all the tests with good grades, I asked him, “How come it took you 3 weeks to learn what 18 years old have studied in school over 12 years?” His answer was (and I am paraphrasing from memory) something like, “They must waste a lot of time there. I am not a genius. This is not much.”
There are many such stories of young people who spent their childhood playing and then excel in whatever they do or study. No, they don’t have to learn to breath, walk or talk in the uterus, nor learn at seven what they will need to know at twenty. Children are meant to play - the best learning tool nature created for them.
Here is the bottom line on teaching and learning:
1 Teaching fulfills the adult’s often obsessive need to teach. I humorously call it a disease: “Teachria.” The child does not need to be taught. Teaching gets in the way of the child’s learning because he then has no chance to invent his own method and follow his own passions in a way and time that is optimal to his brain and soul.
2 Children do not absorb much of the content through teaching against their will (no wonder it takes 12 years with so much repetition). Unfortunately, what they do learn is the experience that happens to them. When forced to do something against his will, a child learns to: Control other people, not trust his own inner guide, follow instructions rather than invent and create, compete, want others to fail so he can shine, not think for himself, resent and resist guidance, hate learning, disconnect, not focus, do what is not interesting, obey and comply (leading to falling for peer and media pressure and consumerism), feel that he has no say about himself, be dependent and insecure, be a follower etc. These are the real “skills” that are, sadly, learned.
Optimal learning occurs in freedom and autonomy:
Let your child play all day, day dream, do things with you, with a friend and family - when he wants to, let him follow his passions (provide teachers for those when he asks for it of his own free will) and allow him to learn to live, relate, and to discover himself. There is no such a thing as a moment of not learning; the mind learns all the time no matter what a child does or doesn’t do - and a child learns mostly from three dimensional and emotional experiences.
The autonomous child learns the most important lesson: “I am the author of my life and of who I am and I know best what to explore and do.” This does not mean neglect or license. It is your job to be the invisible leader; to expose but not to impose, and to nurture and open doors. Provide friends and play opportunities, activities that he has passion for and engagement in the love of life, nature and the arts.
Congratulations to you as a mother for your son’s assertiveness and emotional strength. Now it is your time to liberate yourself from old concepts that get in the way of allowing your son to find his own path.
Do you have a question about parenting and homeschooling your children?
Submit your question here
© Copyright Naomi Aldort
Naomi Aldort is the best selling author of, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, published in 18 languages, and of hundreds of internationally published parenting advice columns and articles. Her three adult sons did not go to school. Aldort offers session by Phone/Skype as well as live workshops, family retreats, and speaking events internationally. She works holistically toward a peaceful and powerful parent-child relationships from infancy through teens and adults. For private and family phone/Skype sessions, family retreat, free newsletter, webclasses, CDs, articles, and speaking engagements: www.AuthenticParent.com
Naomi Aldort’s response:
Congratulations on being clear that public school is not a place for your seven-year-old son. He is lucky to escape school’s indoctrination, boredom, social pressure, bullying, shortening attention-span, being tested, being graded, anxiety, competition, being shamed, forced learning, manipulation, tedious boring paper work, social inequality, peer pressure and much more.
More than that: You have done a wonderful job of nurturing your child’s self-reliance. How do I know? Simple: He has the self-trust and self-esteem to reject your mistaken attempt to create school at home. You can celebrate your success and your child’s emotional strength and clarity.
The good news is that you don’t need to be his teacher and recreate school at home. Like you say: “He is not interested…” His tantrum and screaming is a response to your innocent but hurtful attempt to control him like school.
The reason you think you have to get your child to study is not your fault. It is because you probably went to school yourself. To provide the child with autonomy, we must free ourselves from the indoctrination of school that tells us that the child does not learn unless we teach and unless he sits down and does “dumb” paper work. Listen to your child: He calls it dumb because it is dumb whether in school or out of school. It is NOT how children learn.
I recall when, at age 15, my unschooled son passed the GED tests after three weeks of studying. He never before studied any of these subjects. His life was focused on play and music. After he passed all the tests with good grades, I asked him, “How come it took you 3 weeks to learn what 18 years old have studied in school over 12 years?” His answer was (and I am paraphrasing from memory) something like, “They must waste a lot of time there. I am not a genius. This is not much.”
There are many such stories of young people who spent their childhood playing and then excel in whatever they do or study. No, they don’t have to learn to breath, walk or talk in the uterus, nor learn at seven what they will need to know at twenty. Children are meant to play - the best learning tool nature created for them.
Here is the bottom line on teaching and learning:
1 Teaching fulfills the adult’s often obsessive need to teach. I humorously call it a disease: “Teachria.” The child does not need to be taught. Teaching gets in the way of the child’s learning because he then has no chance to invent his own method and follow his own passions in a way and time that is optimal to his brain and soul.
2 Children do not absorb much of the content through teaching against their will (no wonder it takes 12 years with so much repetition). Unfortunately, what they do learn is the experience that happens to them. When forced to do something against his will, a child learns to: Control other people, not trust his own inner guide, follow instructions rather than invent and create, compete, want others to fail so he can shine, not think for himself, resent and resist guidance, hate learning, disconnect, not focus, do what is not interesting, obey and comply (leading to falling for peer and media pressure and consumerism), feel that he has no say about himself, be dependent and insecure, be a follower etc. These are the real “skills” that are, sadly, learned.
Optimal learning occurs in freedom and autonomy:
Let your child play all day, day dream, do things with you, with a friend and family - when he wants to, let him follow his passions (provide teachers for those when he asks for it of his own free will) and allow him to learn to live, relate, and to discover himself. There is no such a thing as a moment of not learning; the mind learns all the time no matter what a child does or doesn’t do - and a child learns mostly from three dimensional and emotional experiences.
The autonomous child learns the most important lesson: “I am the author of my life and of who I am and I know best what to explore and do.” This does not mean neglect or license. It is your job to be the invisible leader; to expose but not to impose, and to nurture and open doors. Provide friends and play opportunities, activities that he has passion for and engagement in the love of life, nature and the arts.
Congratulations to you as a mother for your son’s assertiveness and emotional strength. Now it is your time to liberate yourself from old concepts that get in the way of allowing your son to find his own path.
Do you have a question about parenting and homeschooling your children?
Submit your question here
© Copyright Naomi Aldort
Naomi Aldort is the best selling author of, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, published in 18 languages, and of hundreds of internationally published parenting advice columns and articles. Her three adult sons did not go to school. Aldort offers session by Phone/Skype as well as live workshops, family retreats, and speaking events internationally. She works holistically toward a peaceful and powerful parent-child relationships from infancy through teens and adults. For private and family phone/Skype sessions, family retreat, free newsletter, webclasses, CDs, articles, and speaking engagements: www.AuthenticParent.com
