by Naomi Aldort

Q: When someone asks my daughter a question about simple facts, she does not respond, even when she knows the answer. I think it is important to be able to put what you know into words. Why is she unable or unwilling to verbalize things and how can I help her?

A: A young teenager told me that when he meets new kids and they find out that he does not go to school, they present him with a math question. His response is, "I don't like being tested. This is one reason I don't go to school."

 

I wish I had that kind of courage as a child. I remember how embarrassed I felt when asked questions of any kind, even my name and age. I hurried to respond lest I would be thought as stupid. Today, when I watch my own children refuse to answer or when they take a long time to ponder over questions, I feel awed by their confidence. Last night we played a word game that required some tough decision-making. There were eight of us playing, half adults, half children. Every time the youngest (nine) had a turn, he took a long time to make his decision. Some guests tried to hurry him along with "guiding questions" but he seemed immune; he ignored them. He talked when he made up his mind and until then he seemed absorbed in thought and completely calm.

 

In settings such as public school, children become very skillful at giving fast responses to questions; they are anxious to get a positive evaluation and they fear failing and being ridiculed. Your daughter has escaped the tyranny of evaluation, and most likely doesn't see the point in these questions.

A question is only a question when we seek knowledge we don't have. When we ask a question to which we know the answer, we are testing. Congratulate yourself on your daughter's unwillingness to be tested. Such self-respect will protect her authenticity and well-being. Most children and adults love to share knowledge with one who does not have that particular information, but they rarely want to be tested.

Quizzing can be enjoyable when everyone has equal control and choice in the conversation or the game. If a friend wishes to engage in knowledge quizzing with your daughter, he must find out if she is interested. If she is, they can decide together how to share the information or skill as equal partners. For example,  I recall two of my children playing geography quiz cards with us. We took turns: One of us read the question while the others pondered the answer with the help of books, the globe and a lively sharing of thoughts. Some questions were dismissed for being hard or not interesting, others ignited further discussion. When an answer was found, the one who read the question went on to read the answer on the back of the card. 

It is best to wait for the children to request to be asked questions or play games that challenge their knowledge or skills. While riding in the car, some children ask their parents to quiz them in math. These same children, if put on the spot by an adult with the same math questions, will, most likely refuse to participate. Sadly, when children succumb to being tested without their consent, they can become dependent on external evaluation and doubtful of their own judgment and value. 

I recall the paralyzing fear I felt when quizzed in music classes; having to identify intervals had a deafening effect on me; I heard a blur. Although I often gave the correct answer, I saw it as luck and concluded that I did not have good musical ears. As a mother, when the children and I sat together and took turns identifying chords, notes and intervals, I found it easy and enjoyable. They asked me only simple intervals and chords, while for themselves they asked for much more difficult chords, a line of notes and whole melodies. Each one of us made a request like, "play complex chords for me" or "play easy intervals in one octave."  When the quizzed person said, "OK, I had enough," we moved to the next person. The piano player was not testing but serving our need.

 

We were taught in school to verify a child's knowledge. It is therefore natural for a parent to feel anxious if she can't prove what her child knows. Yet, you can celebrate your child's freedom from such anxiety. Her knowledge is for her to keep and to use as she wishes. When approached with testing questions, she needs your support in asserting her autonomy. If she is young or shy, you can request of friends and relative to avoid quizzing her. With time she will learn to stand for herself. If she is ready to speak up in such embarrassing moments, let her know that you are her ally. 

In addition to sharing knowledge in self-directed play, some children enjoy talking about their newly found discoveries. In a phone counseling session, a mother told me about her four-year-old child who was enamored with astronomy. He kept giving "lectures" about the solar system to people who came his way. In restaurants he would go from table to table and pass on his knowledge. In contrast, his brother kept his knowledge and thoughts to himself.

 

Many people say that they remember things better once they have explained them to another. Those people tend to find a listener (as that child did) or become teachers, so they can verbalize to their heart's desire. Putting knowledge into words can be useful for some people and is needed in specific situations and activities. Your daughter will let you know when and if she wants to drill her skill or knowledge by putting it into words; she may ask for private lessons or classes where she can get this need met, or she may initiate such encounters with you or with her sibling. Respect your daughter and you will find that she will generate her own direction and make requests when she has a need an external input.

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Naomi Aldort is the author of, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. Parents from around the globe seek Aldort's advice by phone, in person and by listening to her CDs and attending her workshops. Her advice columns appear in progressive parenting magazines in Canada, USA, AU, UK, and translated to German, French, Hebrew, Dutch, Japanese, Chinese, Indonesian and Spanish.
       
Naomi Aldort is married and a mother of three. Her youngest son is fourteen-year-old cellist Oliver Aldort www.OliverAldort.com. Her middle son is seventeen year old composer and self made pianist Lennon Aldort, www.LennonAldort.com

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