by Sarah Major, M.Ed
We are all very familiar with the role our emotions play in how well we succeed.
Probably all of us have had the experience of facing a task that felt impossible, feeling super nervous and doubtful about it, and then completely botching it. I remember on more than one occasion being in class for an exam, having an attack of nerves and having my mind go completely blank. Nothing I had learned remained within my power to retrieve. Tackling something hard with a quiet confidence that we are prepared and able makes all the difference in whether or not we succeed.
When I worked with children who had experienced failure in school, the biggest obstacle I sought to overcome was the subconscious beliefs they had picked up along the way. These beliefs were far more powerful than any encouraging words from their parents, their teachers, or me. Even after the children proved to themselves they could do the work while in my room, their subconscious beliefs about their inabilities caused them to freeze up and fail when back in their classrooms.
Where do these subconscious beliefs come from?
In much of my recent reading and study, I have learned that during those critical first 7 years of life, children are like vessels waiting for water, chalkboards waiting to be written on, or lumps of clay ready to be molded, and that every experience they have with the people who are significant to them create their views about themselves, others, the world and its safety or friendliness, their own abilities, and their weaknesses. In short, those first seven years are as critical to the formation of the new little person as any time in his life. If the child has a good, secure, supportive, close knit relationship in his family of origin, chances are really good that he will grow up feeling safe and secure, that he will be just fine as he is, that he’ll believe the world is a safe place within reason, and that he’ll believe he can rely on adults to be kind and helpful. So when he is learning new, hard stuff, he will approach it confidently, feeling sure that if he works hard, he will succeed.
If, however, the child experiences too much in either direction – neglect or smothering, the story will be different. If a child is pushed beyond the point where she feels safe, she might come to feel the world is a bit dangerous. Rather than being able to focus on the task, she will be thinking about being nervous and unprepared or incapable. Conversely if the child is nearly smothered by an over-protective parent, she likely will grow up without the internal urge to try things for herself. She won’t be nervous! She won’t even lift a finger for herself.
How the subconscious directs our actions
Once those beliefs are firmly in place, what happens when a child finds himself in a situation that is new or uncomfortable, or even just a normal situation? The subconscious will send thoughts into the child’s conscious mind in response to the events he is currently experiencing. And those subconscious thoughts are super convincing. It would never occur to the child to doubt his thoughts. For example, if a child had experiences earlier on that convinced him that he is not capable, when he is given a spelling quiz, his subconscious will begin to chatter: “Wow, you have never handled spelling tests very well, in the past. Why would today be different? And when you have to pass your paper up, all the kids will see how awful you did and they will look down on you. This is not a good situation!”
When a child finds herself in this type of bind with his subconscious feeding his mind and heart a steady stream of negativity, several things can happen. He might freeze up and forget everything he knew, he might choose to act out to avoid the pain of additional failure, or he might desperately try to sneak a peek at a neighbor’s paper in the attempt to avoid exposure.
How to create positive subconscious beliefs
Let’s start by identifying the qualities most of us want our children to possess, qualities that will help them be successful not just in school, but in all of life. We want them to be:
• Capable
• Confident
• Smart
• Responsible
• Determined
• Persistent
• Honest
• Fill in the blank
•
The easiest way to help a child feel capable and successful is to allow her to have tasks that will stretch her a little bit, support her as she attempts the tasks, and let her feel the accomplishment of success. It is a critical thing to choose tasks that are truly important for the child to learn as she grows up to be a capable adult who can take care of herself.
What kind of tasks might these include? Well, think about what a child would need to know by age 18 in order to be fully independent. This is a great yardstick by which to measure our success as parents rearing our children – if by the age of 18 they could truly care for themselves! They will need to know how to organize their “stuff,” cook some healthy meals, clean their rooms, make their beds, shop for food, wash dishes, do their laundry, keep track of money, save for emergencies, choose wisely when shopping, clean the bathroom, vacuum, dust, rake, mow…. That is a whole lot of stuff kids need to learn! So, for those of us who are still making our kids’ beds, cleaning their rooms, choosing their clothes for school, getting their snacks, making their lunches… thinking about the future is a good reminder to stop and get the children involved as early as possible in all those things.
As our children learn more and more skills, other character qualities build as well. They will not just feel capable, they will learn responsibility, determination, persistence, confidence, etc. And it would be super hard for a child who has learned to be that self-sufficient to encounter a test at school and suddenly feel incapable. That subconscious belief stuff does translate into school!
Helicopter parents and incapable children
I have a dear friend who owns a learning center and works with elementary aged children who need help overcoming failure in school. While my friend administers comprehensive diagnostic tests to determine learning strengths, learning weaknesses that need to be worked on, and learning preferences, she also does casual observation. One thing she noticed mid-year is that all the students enrolled in her center are children who have mothers who do everything for them. Their mothers make their beds, clean their rooms, make their snacks and lunches, choose their clothes, etc. Everything is done for these children out of the deep love these mothers have for their children. But how can this not translate into feelings of helplessness in school? Why should the children even attempt to work on a task? They have not learned to do so to date! Just as they can ignore their unmade bed and messy room, they ignore anything in school that resembles work.
The saddest thing about this is not that those mothers are going to wake up one day feeling so tired from picking up after their teenaged boys who by this time believe irrevocably that their role in life is not to work hard at anything! The saddest thing is that subconsciously those children/teens feel like losers. They cannot look back at anything they accomplished for themselves through hard work. I find that to be so sad because these children will miss out on so much blessing as adults. They will shoot low because they have never learned to shoot high.
I have friends with a hearing impaired child. This couple felt so bad about their child’s hearing impairment that they coddled him beyond anything I have ever seen. Talk about helicopter parents! They did not allow him to feel the strain of doing his homework for himself, choosing his own clothes, or getting a drink for himself. He went to school only after his mother had met with the administration and the teacher to make sure they all were in line to help support her son. They were asked to make special accommodations for him, such as writing down his homework for him, gathering his books to take home, etc.
Fast forward. This child just finished his first year in college. Sorta. He is super smart, but he’d never had to check out books for himself for his reports for school or to keep a schedule for himself of the various tasks he needed to complete for school. His parents did all that for him. So in college? All the things he’d never done for himself just didn’t get done. And let me tell you! It is so much harder to undo 18 years of training and retrain a young man who knows life to be one in which the adults in his life will do the hard stuff for him.
The role of subconscious beliefs for this young man run something like this: “I don’t think I should have to do that.” Or “I want to play basketball right now; I will do that later (only later never comes).”
The other extreme
We all know of parents who have such a lofty set of goals for their children that they begin pushing them to excel before they can even talk! These kids have to participate in every sport, get straight A’s, ace the SAT’s, and get into the best college. This scenario is one that makes me sad as well. In this case, the children are being coerced from outside to perform. So their negative subconscious thoughts are going to run something like this: “I never am good enough.” “Yes, I finished, but I think it should be better.” Experiences in life will not be pleasurable; they will live with one huge monkey on their back.
The happy medium
Somehow as well-meaning and loving parents we must, must, must find the happy medium: focus on the skills our children need to have to be a happy and productive member of society, equip them with the self-confidence that comes from giving them reachable goals and praising even approximate performance, and help them discover their giftedness so that they will know how to choose their path in life well.
And when we see evidence of negative beliefs rising to color how our children see the world and others, we need to suggest ample positive alternatives. We need to help them see that our perceptions can be either positive or negative. For example, rather than assuming “all the kids are looking at me because I look weird” (a perception which is probably wrong), frame a positive perception such as “some of the kids looked at me when I walked by because they like me.” Instead of thinking, “I am so nervous I will mess up on my test,” say, “This stuff is hard, but I have studied it and if I need to I will stop and give myself time to remember what I studied. I am sure I can do this.”
The importance of self-talk
Wow, this is getting long winded. So just one more comment. The power of subconscious thoughts is borne out in the Bible: “As a man (or child) thinketh in his heart, so IS HE.” Whatever we believe about ourselves comes to pass. One of the easiest ways to encourage a sense of competence is to talk positively to our children as a rule. Never ever say “You are” followed by a negative. Always frame our communication in positive terms. What we want to become, we need to tell ourselves about. “I AM competent.” “I AM going to do well.” “I AM smart.” “I AM capable.”
Back when I was a child, the prevalent belief was if parents praised their children, two things would happen. One? They would get stuck up. (What?!) And two? They would stop trying and become mediocre. So these well-meaning parents would find the tiny flaw in any task the child did. When they tried to do something, the parent would say, “You can do better. Do it again.”
Let’s think about all this. It’s a bit late for me to put all this into practice as my children are adults now. But I can be a great grandmother! I can nurture the little person who has the whole world in front of him and help reinforce the parenting he’s getting from his awesome parents. I can make him sure the world is a friendly place, that people are kind and helpful, and he himself? Well, he is able. He is capable.
Sarah Major, CEO of Child1st Publications, grew up on the mission field with her four siblings, all of whom her mother homeschooled. As an adult, Sarah homeschooled a small group of children in collaboration with their parents, and has taught from preschool age to adult. Sarah has been the Title 1 director and program developer for grades K-7, an ESOL teacher, and a classroom teacher. As an undergraduate student, Sarah attended Wheaton College in Wheaton, Ill. and then received her M.Ed. from Aquinas College in Grand Rapids, MI. In 2006 Sarah resigned from fulltime teaching in order to devote more time to Child1st, publisher of the best-selling SnapWords™ stylized sight word cards. In her spare time Sarah enjoys gardening, cooking, pottery, quilting, and spending time with her family.
Child1st Publications, LLC
www.child-1st.com
704-879-4047
3302 S New Hope Rd
Suite 300B
Gastonia, NC 28056
We are all very familiar with the role our emotions play in how well we succeed.
Probably all of us have had the experience of facing a task that felt impossible, feeling super nervous and doubtful about it, and then completely botching it. I remember on more than one occasion being in class for an exam, having an attack of nerves and having my mind go completely blank. Nothing I had learned remained within my power to retrieve. Tackling something hard with a quiet confidence that we are prepared and able makes all the difference in whether or not we succeed.
When I worked with children who had experienced failure in school, the biggest obstacle I sought to overcome was the subconscious beliefs they had picked up along the way. These beliefs were far more powerful than any encouraging words from their parents, their teachers, or me. Even after the children proved to themselves they could do the work while in my room, their subconscious beliefs about their inabilities caused them to freeze up and fail when back in their classrooms.
Where do these subconscious beliefs come from?
In much of my recent reading and study, I have learned that during those critical first 7 years of life, children are like vessels waiting for water, chalkboards waiting to be written on, or lumps of clay ready to be molded, and that every experience they have with the people who are significant to them create their views about themselves, others, the world and its safety or friendliness, their own abilities, and their weaknesses. In short, those first seven years are as critical to the formation of the new little person as any time in his life. If the child has a good, secure, supportive, close knit relationship in his family of origin, chances are really good that he will grow up feeling safe and secure, that he will be just fine as he is, that he’ll believe the world is a safe place within reason, and that he’ll believe he can rely on adults to be kind and helpful. So when he is learning new, hard stuff, he will approach it confidently, feeling sure that if he works hard, he will succeed.
If, however, the child experiences too much in either direction – neglect or smothering, the story will be different. If a child is pushed beyond the point where she feels safe, she might come to feel the world is a bit dangerous. Rather than being able to focus on the task, she will be thinking about being nervous and unprepared or incapable. Conversely if the child is nearly smothered by an over-protective parent, she likely will grow up without the internal urge to try things for herself. She won’t be nervous! She won’t even lift a finger for herself.
How the subconscious directs our actions
Once those beliefs are firmly in place, what happens when a child finds himself in a situation that is new or uncomfortable, or even just a normal situation? The subconscious will send thoughts into the child’s conscious mind in response to the events he is currently experiencing. And those subconscious thoughts are super convincing. It would never occur to the child to doubt his thoughts. For example, if a child had experiences earlier on that convinced him that he is not capable, when he is given a spelling quiz, his subconscious will begin to chatter: “Wow, you have never handled spelling tests very well, in the past. Why would today be different? And when you have to pass your paper up, all the kids will see how awful you did and they will look down on you. This is not a good situation!”
When a child finds herself in this type of bind with his subconscious feeding his mind and heart a steady stream of negativity, several things can happen. He might freeze up and forget everything he knew, he might choose to act out to avoid the pain of additional failure, or he might desperately try to sneak a peek at a neighbor’s paper in the attempt to avoid exposure.
How to create positive subconscious beliefs
Let’s start by identifying the qualities most of us want our children to possess, qualities that will help them be successful not just in school, but in all of life. We want them to be:
• Capable
• Confident
• Smart
• Responsible
• Determined
• Persistent
• Honest
• Fill in the blank
•
The easiest way to help a child feel capable and successful is to allow her to have tasks that will stretch her a little bit, support her as she attempts the tasks, and let her feel the accomplishment of success. It is a critical thing to choose tasks that are truly important for the child to learn as she grows up to be a capable adult who can take care of herself.
What kind of tasks might these include? Well, think about what a child would need to know by age 18 in order to be fully independent. This is a great yardstick by which to measure our success as parents rearing our children – if by the age of 18 they could truly care for themselves! They will need to know how to organize their “stuff,” cook some healthy meals, clean their rooms, make their beds, shop for food, wash dishes, do their laundry, keep track of money, save for emergencies, choose wisely when shopping, clean the bathroom, vacuum, dust, rake, mow…. That is a whole lot of stuff kids need to learn! So, for those of us who are still making our kids’ beds, cleaning their rooms, choosing their clothes for school, getting their snacks, making their lunches… thinking about the future is a good reminder to stop and get the children involved as early as possible in all those things.
As our children learn more and more skills, other character qualities build as well. They will not just feel capable, they will learn responsibility, determination, persistence, confidence, etc. And it would be super hard for a child who has learned to be that self-sufficient to encounter a test at school and suddenly feel incapable. That subconscious belief stuff does translate into school!
Helicopter parents and incapable children
I have a dear friend who owns a learning center and works with elementary aged children who need help overcoming failure in school. While my friend administers comprehensive diagnostic tests to determine learning strengths, learning weaknesses that need to be worked on, and learning preferences, she also does casual observation. One thing she noticed mid-year is that all the students enrolled in her center are children who have mothers who do everything for them. Their mothers make their beds, clean their rooms, make their snacks and lunches, choose their clothes, etc. Everything is done for these children out of the deep love these mothers have for their children. But how can this not translate into feelings of helplessness in school? Why should the children even attempt to work on a task? They have not learned to do so to date! Just as they can ignore their unmade bed and messy room, they ignore anything in school that resembles work.
The saddest thing about this is not that those mothers are going to wake up one day feeling so tired from picking up after their teenaged boys who by this time believe irrevocably that their role in life is not to work hard at anything! The saddest thing is that subconsciously those children/teens feel like losers. They cannot look back at anything they accomplished for themselves through hard work. I find that to be so sad because these children will miss out on so much blessing as adults. They will shoot low because they have never learned to shoot high.
I have friends with a hearing impaired child. This couple felt so bad about their child’s hearing impairment that they coddled him beyond anything I have ever seen. Talk about helicopter parents! They did not allow him to feel the strain of doing his homework for himself, choosing his own clothes, or getting a drink for himself. He went to school only after his mother had met with the administration and the teacher to make sure they all were in line to help support her son. They were asked to make special accommodations for him, such as writing down his homework for him, gathering his books to take home, etc.
Fast forward. This child just finished his first year in college. Sorta. He is super smart, but he’d never had to check out books for himself for his reports for school or to keep a schedule for himself of the various tasks he needed to complete for school. His parents did all that for him. So in college? All the things he’d never done for himself just didn’t get done. And let me tell you! It is so much harder to undo 18 years of training and retrain a young man who knows life to be one in which the adults in his life will do the hard stuff for him.
The role of subconscious beliefs for this young man run something like this: “I don’t think I should have to do that.” Or “I want to play basketball right now; I will do that later (only later never comes).”
The other extreme
We all know of parents who have such a lofty set of goals for their children that they begin pushing them to excel before they can even talk! These kids have to participate in every sport, get straight A’s, ace the SAT’s, and get into the best college. This scenario is one that makes me sad as well. In this case, the children are being coerced from outside to perform. So their negative subconscious thoughts are going to run something like this: “I never am good enough.” “Yes, I finished, but I think it should be better.” Experiences in life will not be pleasurable; they will live with one huge monkey on their back.
The happy medium
Somehow as well-meaning and loving parents we must, must, must find the happy medium: focus on the skills our children need to have to be a happy and productive member of society, equip them with the self-confidence that comes from giving them reachable goals and praising even approximate performance, and help them discover their giftedness so that they will know how to choose their path in life well.
And when we see evidence of negative beliefs rising to color how our children see the world and others, we need to suggest ample positive alternatives. We need to help them see that our perceptions can be either positive or negative. For example, rather than assuming “all the kids are looking at me because I look weird” (a perception which is probably wrong), frame a positive perception such as “some of the kids looked at me when I walked by because they like me.” Instead of thinking, “I am so nervous I will mess up on my test,” say, “This stuff is hard, but I have studied it and if I need to I will stop and give myself time to remember what I studied. I am sure I can do this.”
The importance of self-talk
Wow, this is getting long winded. So just one more comment. The power of subconscious thoughts is borne out in the Bible: “As a man (or child) thinketh in his heart, so IS HE.” Whatever we believe about ourselves comes to pass. One of the easiest ways to encourage a sense of competence is to talk positively to our children as a rule. Never ever say “You are” followed by a negative. Always frame our communication in positive terms. What we want to become, we need to tell ourselves about. “I AM competent.” “I AM going to do well.” “I AM smart.” “I AM capable.”
Back when I was a child, the prevalent belief was if parents praised their children, two things would happen. One? They would get stuck up. (What?!) And two? They would stop trying and become mediocre. So these well-meaning parents would find the tiny flaw in any task the child did. When they tried to do something, the parent would say, “You can do better. Do it again.”
Let’s think about all this. It’s a bit late for me to put all this into practice as my children are adults now. But I can be a great grandmother! I can nurture the little person who has the whole world in front of him and help reinforce the parenting he’s getting from his awesome parents. I can make him sure the world is a friendly place, that people are kind and helpful, and he himself? Well, he is able. He is capable.
Sarah Major, CEO of Child1st Publications, grew up on the mission field with her four siblings, all of whom her mother homeschooled. As an adult, Sarah homeschooled a small group of children in collaboration with their parents, and has taught from preschool age to adult. Sarah has been the Title 1 director and program developer for grades K-7, an ESOL teacher, and a classroom teacher. As an undergraduate student, Sarah attended Wheaton College in Wheaton, Ill. and then received her M.Ed. from Aquinas College in Grand Rapids, MI. In 2006 Sarah resigned from fulltime teaching in order to devote more time to Child1st, publisher of the best-selling SnapWords™ stylized sight word cards. In her spare time Sarah enjoys gardening, cooking, pottery, quilting, and spending time with her family.
Child1st Publications, LLC
www.child-1st.com
704-879-4047
3302 S New Hope Rd
Suite 300B
Gastonia, NC 28056
