by Natalie L. Komitsky
What can you do to optimize your performance as a parent? Many of us put this duty as our top priority but are still left feeling like we could do more. As with any other aspect of life, some things are more important than others. Let's take a look at five ways we can ensure that we are at our best.
1. Setting precedents - When you give permission for something, you need to realize that this will affect your child's expectations for the future. For instance, if a child is allowed to stay up late to watch a movie on TV, she may expect response this again in the future. Make sure you are ready for that. If you have specific circumstances in mind, make sure you state them from the beginning to avoid battles in the future.
2. Avoid hypocrisy - I can still see my mother sitting at our mustard yellow 50's kitchen table. She was holding a cigarette and telling me between puffs how smoking is a dirty habit and should be avoided. I have held on tight to that image because it made me realize that what you do as a parent means much more than what you say. Your actions can reinforce your message or obliterate it, the choice is yours.
3. Catch them being good - The more mothers I meet, the more I hear about each one's "difficult child." We've all had moments of sheer frustration when we thought that we might never have some peace but somehow we have lived to talk about them.
It really helps to make it a habit, even if it is forced at first, to formally recognize when your children are doing the right thing. It could be a good decision that they made; an accomplishment; an obstacle that they overcame; or a compliment about their appearance. Any time that we can connect with our children to tell them that they are on the right track helps them repeat these actions and build their self-confidence.
4. Customize your parenting - There is a lot of talk today about tapering education to the particular learning styles or intelligences of each child. Well, this philosophy is not really new. We have been looking at personality types in relation to occupations for years. The fact is that not all of us tick exactly the same way. Some of us thrive around large groups of people while some of us go home with a headache. And there are many other characteristics as well. It is very effective to strategize your parenting according to each child's personality. Some resources that explain this in more detail include "MotherStyles" by Penley and "Setting Limits with your Strong-Willed Child" by MacKenzie.
5. Unconditional love - There is no more important aspect of parenting than letting your child know that no matter what happens, you will always love them and be there to offer them emotional support. Not everyone has the words "I love you" rolling off their tongue with ease but this sentiment can be conveyed in many other ways. When a child doesn't do well on a test, you can tell her that you know she made a good effort and you'll help her do better next time. If a child gets into a fight at school, you can let him know that you understand how he felt under the circumstances but that there are other ways to settle a dispute. In both cases, you provide them with support for their feelings, showing them that you love them, but also provide them with guidance for better results in the future.
And, of course there is always the option of outstretched arms to welcome them with a big hug. This can make a big difference in the aftermath of a tough discussion with children of any age. We all deal with difficulties but it is best to make sure that at the end, the message is clear that no matter what - we are here for you.
As a wordsmith, Natalie L. Komitsky optimizes the effectiveness of text to impact readers with substance and style through exceptional research, writing, editing, and project management. For more information, or to get in touch, visit: www.nkomitsky.com
What can you do to optimize your performance as a parent? Many of us put this duty as our top priority but are still left feeling like we could do more. As with any other aspect of life, some things are more important than others. Let's take a look at five ways we can ensure that we are at our best.
1. Setting precedents - When you give permission for something, you need to realize that this will affect your child's expectations for the future. For instance, if a child is allowed to stay up late to watch a movie on TV, she may expect response this again in the future. Make sure you are ready for that. If you have specific circumstances in mind, make sure you state them from the beginning to avoid battles in the future.
2. Avoid hypocrisy - I can still see my mother sitting at our mustard yellow 50's kitchen table. She was holding a cigarette and telling me between puffs how smoking is a dirty habit and should be avoided. I have held on tight to that image because it made me realize that what you do as a parent means much more than what you say. Your actions can reinforce your message or obliterate it, the choice is yours.
3. Catch them being good - The more mothers I meet, the more I hear about each one's "difficult child." We've all had moments of sheer frustration when we thought that we might never have some peace but somehow we have lived to talk about them.
It really helps to make it a habit, even if it is forced at first, to formally recognize when your children are doing the right thing. It could be a good decision that they made; an accomplishment; an obstacle that they overcame; or a compliment about their appearance. Any time that we can connect with our children to tell them that they are on the right track helps them repeat these actions and build their self-confidence.
4. Customize your parenting - There is a lot of talk today about tapering education to the particular learning styles or intelligences of each child. Well, this philosophy is not really new. We have been looking at personality types in relation to occupations for years. The fact is that not all of us tick exactly the same way. Some of us thrive around large groups of people while some of us go home with a headache. And there are many other characteristics as well. It is very effective to strategize your parenting according to each child's personality. Some resources that explain this in more detail include "MotherStyles" by Penley and "Setting Limits with your Strong-Willed Child" by MacKenzie.
5. Unconditional love - There is no more important aspect of parenting than letting your child know that no matter what happens, you will always love them and be there to offer them emotional support. Not everyone has the words "I love you" rolling off their tongue with ease but this sentiment can be conveyed in many other ways. When a child doesn't do well on a test, you can tell her that you know she made a good effort and you'll help her do better next time. If a child gets into a fight at school, you can let him know that you understand how he felt under the circumstances but that there are other ways to settle a dispute. In both cases, you provide them with support for their feelings, showing them that you love them, but also provide them with guidance for better results in the future.
And, of course there is always the option of outstretched arms to welcome them with a big hug. This can make a big difference in the aftermath of a tough discussion with children of any age. We all deal with difficulties but it is best to make sure that at the end, the message is clear that no matter what - we are here for you.
As a wordsmith, Natalie L. Komitsky optimizes the effectiveness of text to impact readers with substance and style through exceptional research, writing, editing, and project management. For more information, or to get in touch, visit: www.nkomitsky.com
