They can say mean things and do mean things. Sometimes, what’s most damaging is not what they do, but what they don’t do. Social isolation, ignoring and snubbing can hurt just as much as words. It’s an unfortunate fact that at some point in time, most children will experience being the victim of another child being mean.
So why are kids so mean? For some kid’s social aggression can be a way of creating excitement or alleviating boredom. Some choose the use of negative behavior to gain attention while others suffer from low self-esteem themselves and attempt to make others feel as bad as they do. Some kids suffer from problems at home and sometimes, kids just make mistakes and hurt another child unintentionally.
We hear the term bullying thrown around a lot. Bullying and being mean are not the same thing. All children at some point will say or do something hurtful and unkind to another child. This in itself does not constitute bullying, and we, as parents need to know the difference.
What is bullying?
“Bullying is repeated verbal, physical, social or psychological behavior that is harmful and involves the misuse of power by an individual or group towards one or more persons. Cyberbullying refers to bullying through information and communication technologies.” NSW Government (2014)
When we use the term bullying every time one child is mean to another we dilute the term, lessening its importance. We also grant the “bully” more power than they deserve. The goal as parents is to help our children set boundaries early in their friendships to determine what the difference between a “healthy” versus “unhealthy” friendship truly is.
We don’t let our kids wake up and eat a hot fudge sundae for breakfast every morning. Why? Because it’s unhealthy and in time it will begin to have negative effects. It’s no different with unhealthy friendships. When a child spends time in an unhealthy friendship, they will eventually start to feel bad about who they are. Helping our kids first identify and understand unhealthy friendships, then teaching them strategies to manage their unhealthy relationships is critical. Founder of Seedlings International, Diane Wilcox diane@diwilcox.com.au provides workshops on various social/emotional topics for thousands of children and teens each year. Below are some friendship related points Di shares with parents and children in her workshops.
To first understand healthy versus unhealthy friendship, we need to define the attributes of both, in order for our children, to decide under what category their friendships belong.
Healthy friendships
• They are trustworthy
• They love you just the way you are
• They respect you and your values
• They allow you to have more than one friend and don’t try to pick your friends for you
Unhealthy friendships:
• They are not trustworthy
• Often make you sad or angry
• They want you to be different to who you really are
• They pretend to be your friend but are only looking out for themselves (frenemy).Threaten to not be your friend if you don’t do what they say
Using this criteria, ask your child how a particular friendship makes them feel. This is a good start to helping them determine if the friendship is healthy or not. It’s important our kids process these feelings themselves so they feel empowered and in control of the people they choose to spend their time with. Parents today tend to engage in more “snowplow” style parenting which involves removing any obstacles from our children’s path. In the short term we may alleviate our child’s unhappiness, however, this doesn’t help our kids set boundaries and build resilience as they grow up.
Once we have provided our child with the framework for what a healthy friend should look like, we need to offer strategies for managing those friendships that are unhealthy. There are several strategies that Di uses in her workshops that can help kids cope. The first is to spend less time with that person
If your child deems a friendship unhealthy one of the most effective and least disruptive options is to simply encourage your child to spend less time with this person. This could mean fewer invitations to play, spending less time together at school or have less contact via social media or the phone. Spending less time together is a subtle way to allow a friendship to grow apart organically, allowing children to move on to new friends with whom they are better suited.
The second strategy is based around the traditional conflict resolution model. Childhood friendships are not much different from our own, and teaching kids how to work through a conflict resolution model will serve them well into adulthood. We can teach our kids a simple model called “weed control” by using the analogy of a growing garden friendship. When a “weed” or issue grows in a garden (friendship) we want to address it, ensuring that our entire garden is not compromised. This correlation provides a great visual for kids and helps them develop essential conflict resolution skills early on.
Studies show that children who are able to stand up for themselves and take control of a negative interaction are less likely to be picked on in the future. This is why a snappy comeback is important. The idea behind a snappy comeback is for kids to know their boundaries and be prepares ahead of time if someone is being mean toward them. The goal is for our kids to be proactive, rather than reactive, when forced to respond to a verbal insult or attack. Here are a few that work:
.
• “I am sorry you feel that way”
• “whatever”
• “not now thanks”
• “this conversation is over”
• “do you feel better now?”
A snappy comeback, followed by simply walking away, is so effective because it essentially places the responsibility back on the person being mean and takes away any momentum they may have been trying to gain through negative behavior. Have your child come up with one that works for them and practice together.
One of the most challenging things for many people, kids and adults alike, is learning to be comfortable on their own. Human beings are social creatures and we tend to feel rejected and isolated when we were are forced to spend time alone. Becoming content and even learning to enjoy time alone is a great skill to develop and teaching kids early on to be their own best friend is important in seeing them through those inevitable times when we all find ourselves alone. Time alone provides the opportunity to regroup, reflect and really begin to understand who you are. This is a key component to developing into a happy, healthy adult. Encouraging kids to spend time alone and being comfortable in their own company will make them stronger and more secure in their friendships with others.
References:
NSW Government, (November 20, 2014), Education Public Schools, retrieved July 3, 2016 from http://www.schools.nsw.edu.au/studentsupport/bullying/definition/index.php
Jodi Johnston-McNiven
President, Seedlings USA
Jodi Johnston holds a Social Service Work Diploma and a Bachelor of Arts Degree with a concentration in Psychology. She has over 15 years’ experience, working in 4 countries, as a facilitator/teacher in various capacities including life skills, corporate trainer and professional and personal development. Also a mother of 2, Jodi’s commitment to the Seedlings program and The Magic Coat workshops stems from a strong desire to provide young people with the Social/Emotional skills needed to succeed in life.
www.seedlingskids.com
jodi@seedlingskids.com
So why are kids so mean? For some kid’s social aggression can be a way of creating excitement or alleviating boredom. Some choose the use of negative behavior to gain attention while others suffer from low self-esteem themselves and attempt to make others feel as bad as they do. Some kids suffer from problems at home and sometimes, kids just make mistakes and hurt another child unintentionally.
We hear the term bullying thrown around a lot. Bullying and being mean are not the same thing. All children at some point will say or do something hurtful and unkind to another child. This in itself does not constitute bullying, and we, as parents need to know the difference.
What is bullying?
“Bullying is repeated verbal, physical, social or psychological behavior that is harmful and involves the misuse of power by an individual or group towards one or more persons. Cyberbullying refers to bullying through information and communication technologies.” NSW Government (2014)
When we use the term bullying every time one child is mean to another we dilute the term, lessening its importance. We also grant the “bully” more power than they deserve. The goal as parents is to help our children set boundaries early in their friendships to determine what the difference between a “healthy” versus “unhealthy” friendship truly is.
We don’t let our kids wake up and eat a hot fudge sundae for breakfast every morning. Why? Because it’s unhealthy and in time it will begin to have negative effects. It’s no different with unhealthy friendships. When a child spends time in an unhealthy friendship, they will eventually start to feel bad about who they are. Helping our kids first identify and understand unhealthy friendships, then teaching them strategies to manage their unhealthy relationships is critical. Founder of Seedlings International, Diane Wilcox diane@diwilcox.com.au provides workshops on various social/emotional topics for thousands of children and teens each year. Below are some friendship related points Di shares with parents and children in her workshops.
To first understand healthy versus unhealthy friendship, we need to define the attributes of both, in order for our children, to decide under what category their friendships belong.
Healthy friendships
• They are trustworthy
• They love you just the way you are
• They respect you and your values
• They allow you to have more than one friend and don’t try to pick your friends for you
Unhealthy friendships:
• They are not trustworthy
• Often make you sad or angry
• They want you to be different to who you really are
• They pretend to be your friend but are only looking out for themselves (frenemy).Threaten to not be your friend if you don’t do what they say
Using this criteria, ask your child how a particular friendship makes them feel. This is a good start to helping them determine if the friendship is healthy or not. It’s important our kids process these feelings themselves so they feel empowered and in control of the people they choose to spend their time with. Parents today tend to engage in more “snowplow” style parenting which involves removing any obstacles from our children’s path. In the short term we may alleviate our child’s unhappiness, however, this doesn’t help our kids set boundaries and build resilience as they grow up.
Once we have provided our child with the framework for what a healthy friend should look like, we need to offer strategies for managing those friendships that are unhealthy. There are several strategies that Di uses in her workshops that can help kids cope. The first is to spend less time with that person
If your child deems a friendship unhealthy one of the most effective and least disruptive options is to simply encourage your child to spend less time with this person. This could mean fewer invitations to play, spending less time together at school or have less contact via social media or the phone. Spending less time together is a subtle way to allow a friendship to grow apart organically, allowing children to move on to new friends with whom they are better suited.
The second strategy is based around the traditional conflict resolution model. Childhood friendships are not much different from our own, and teaching kids how to work through a conflict resolution model will serve them well into adulthood. We can teach our kids a simple model called “weed control” by using the analogy of a growing garden friendship. When a “weed” or issue grows in a garden (friendship) we want to address it, ensuring that our entire garden is not compromised. This correlation provides a great visual for kids and helps them develop essential conflict resolution skills early on.
Studies show that children who are able to stand up for themselves and take control of a negative interaction are less likely to be picked on in the future. This is why a snappy comeback is important. The idea behind a snappy comeback is for kids to know their boundaries and be prepares ahead of time if someone is being mean toward them. The goal is for our kids to be proactive, rather than reactive, when forced to respond to a verbal insult or attack. Here are a few that work:
.
• “I am sorry you feel that way”
• “whatever”
• “not now thanks”
• “this conversation is over”
• “do you feel better now?”
A snappy comeback, followed by simply walking away, is so effective because it essentially places the responsibility back on the person being mean and takes away any momentum they may have been trying to gain through negative behavior. Have your child come up with one that works for them and practice together.
One of the most challenging things for many people, kids and adults alike, is learning to be comfortable on their own. Human beings are social creatures and we tend to feel rejected and isolated when we were are forced to spend time alone. Becoming content and even learning to enjoy time alone is a great skill to develop and teaching kids early on to be their own best friend is important in seeing them through those inevitable times when we all find ourselves alone. Time alone provides the opportunity to regroup, reflect and really begin to understand who you are. This is a key component to developing into a happy, healthy adult. Encouraging kids to spend time alone and being comfortable in their own company will make them stronger and more secure in their friendships with others.
References:
NSW Government, (November 20, 2014), Education Public Schools, retrieved July 3, 2016 from http://www.schools.nsw.edu.au/studentsupport/bullying/definition/index.php
Jodi Johnston-McNiven
President, Seedlings USA
Jodi Johnston holds a Social Service Work Diploma and a Bachelor of Arts Degree with a concentration in Psychology. She has over 15 years’ experience, working in 4 countries, as a facilitator/teacher in various capacities including life skills, corporate trainer and professional and personal development. Also a mother of 2, Jodi’s commitment to the Seedlings program and The Magic Coat workshops stems from a strong desire to provide young people with the Social/Emotional skills needed to succeed in life.
www.seedlingskids.com
jodi@seedlingskids.com
