by Jay Lambert, MPA MSW LCSW
Over the past couple of weeks I have been preparing for the New Year that we are beginning today, and have done some reading on New Year’s resolutions. As expected, there’s a ton of advice out there on what our goals should be, how to go about reaching out goals, and the usual critiques, such as “they don’t really work anyway” and “New Year’s is arbitrary; if you want to set a goal, set it.”
Yes, yes, all very nice and enlightening. Personally, I see nothing wrong with making the most of what is admittedly an arbitrary, man-made line in time. If it works for you, go for it.With that in mind, I figured now would be a good time talk about goal-setting regarding a subject we all care about: parenting. Maybe I’ll be just another voice in a swarm of advice, but I hope you will see that what I have to share is a bit different than what else you might be hearing.
The Nature of Goal-Setting
Before one sets a goal, one needs to understand the fundamental nature of goals. It has been said repeatedly - and with good reason - that good goals are measurable, achievable, and time-limited. Let me explain why.
First, why must goals be measurable? Well, this is sort of like asking why a race must have a finish line, which is kind of silly. In essence, there must be an end point at which one can know when their goal has been achieved. For example, if one says that they wish to just lose weight that’s fine and dandy, but when do you know you’re “there?” Well, by setting a specific measurable target weight, that’s how. Without setting a target weight, the goal is vague and we have no way of knowing if we are making progress other than to say “I weigh less (or more) than I did last week.” This would set up a cycle that simply cannot be kept up forever. No, the smart thing to do is to set a measurable, specific target to shoot for.
Second, why must goals be achievable? I understand the idea behind the old “shoot for the stars” attitude and all, but one must know one’s limits. I know a lot of people who say that the idea is to set one’s sights as high as one can and take a shot, because even if you miss your pie-in-the-sky goal, you’ll still achieve your greatest potential. Personally, I’ve found more often than not, this attitude is highly misleading. I’ve watched many people shoot for what they thought were the stars, only to find that they had not only missed out on their unrealistic hopes (which they never could have achieved anyways) but they had also locked themselves out of supposedly “lesser,” more realistic and very worthwhile goals. For example, I had a close friend who was bound and determined to be a professional athlete. He was talented, yes...but not THAT talented. It may sound harsh, but his determination was simply not enough to overcome his natural limitations. And by refusing to lower his sights to a more realistic level, he gave up on the love of his life and the chance to be a father with her - something he also desperately wanted, but thought he could always come back to - because he refused to accept what were his realistic limitations. He didn’t just miss out on being a professional athlete, he missed out on being with the one woman he had ever really loved, and lost her because she couldn’t wait around forever waiting for him to figure out who he really was. Tony Robbins might not agree, but I say there’s nothing “passive” or “weak” about knowing one’s limits and making sure our goals fit within them. It is the wise and strong person, in fact, who accepts their limits, and works to maximize their potential within those limitations.
Finally, why must our goals be time-limited? It should be self-evident to most of us that opportunities do not last forever. While I do not think we should be rigid and inflexible in terms of how long we allow ourselves to achieve something worthwhile, we also must keep in mind that if we allow procrastination to run amuck we will repeatedly put off our goals until all the windows of opportunity that we needed to keep open have shut. At some point, we run out of time. Having a deadline and sticking to it is a key to making sure that we seize opportunities while they are still within our reach. If we neglect this key part of goal-setting, we can find ourselves with a list of wonderful goals and not enough time to reach them. The sands of time do catch up with us if we take our eye off of them too often.
Why is it So Hard to Set and Keep Parenting Goals?
With this all in mind, I wanted to share some thoughts about how to set parenting goals. The problem is, parenting is one of the things that does not fit well within the traditional goal-setting parameters that are described above. Think about it: Parenting success is difficult if not impossible to measure in all the areas that truly matter; parenting is all about maximizing potential, but we are learning our children’s limits as we go along, so it’s difficult if not impossible to really know what a child’s limits are until after they’ve already grown; and finally, while there is a legal age at which a child technically enters adulthood, that is about as arbitrary and disconnected from the realities we face as parents as can be. So, to set parenting goals, we must accept that such goals will not be “good” ones in the traditional sense. But can you think of an area of your life that it would more important for you to set goals in? I can’t. Sort of a quandary, isn’t it?
Moving Forward Despite the Natural Limitations
Well, whether we like it or not parenting is not terrible amenable to goal-setting. Tit’s simply the nature of the best, if you will. However, it is vitally important that we do not neglect to do set goals in this area. Parenting on “autopilot” is a disaster waiting to happen, I assure you. So what can we do to make parenting more amenable to goal-setting?
First, instead of setting a goal, start with a vision, or a mission statement. Yes, this can see “cheesy” to some, but I really want you to set aside your eye-rolling for a minute and think about how valuable your children are to you. Imagine you had only one month to live - what would you want to teach them before you passed away? How would you want them to feel about themselves, about life? How would you want them to remember you? Be sincere, and ask yourself what it is you really want to give your children as their parent. Think about it. If you are so inclined, pray about it. But most important, be sincere and commit to 3, maybe 4 specific things that you want to strive for, and state in an overarching vision. And write it down. It will not be measurable, potentially not achievable, and certainly it will have no timeline - but it will be sincere, if you do it right.
Second, regarding goals needing to be measurable, we must seek out proxy measures to track progress, and accept that they are not perfect. For example, if our goal is to create a home where our children feel safe, secure, and loved, we need to define “safe” and “secure” in ways that are at least somewhat specific. To you “safe” might mean “my children know that when they are home, no matter how tense it may get, or how angry their parents may get, nobody will ever, ever hurt them.” Then set up goals that allow you to strive for this ideal in a measurable way. I, for example, want my son David to know that my love for him is eternal and rooted in the fact that he is my son, something that will never change no matter what he may become or do. So I set up a goal to ask my son at least once every day, two questions: First, “How much does daddy love you?” And second, “Why does daddy love you so much?” And I taught him the answers long ago - they are, respectively, “Forever, and ever and ever and ever” and “Because I’m your David.” It may seem small and even cheesy - but you might be shocked at the tender, loving moments that grow out of me asking my son these two simple questions on a regular basis. And I can attest to you that as I have done this sincerely for some time now, my son has figured that daddy definitely loves him and always will. It may not be measurable in the purest sense, but I sure can tell I’m heading in the right direction. And I assure you I know when I have messed up on this goal, because it is measurable. I either do it, or I don’t.
Third, regarding goals needing to be achievable, we must make sure our proxy goals are achievable, even if the visions they are connected to are vague. In the example I shared above, while it is not within my power to ensure that my son knows I love him, taking the time at least once per day (when I am in town and he is too) to ask those two questions is definitely achievable and basically within my control and influence. Sure, it’s not all I do towards my larger goal, but it’s one consistent, doable thing that I shoot for with great ambition. Because it is so simple, I can do this, and I can do it well. Funny, it’s such a small thing, but the effects are quite large. But the important thing is that it is genuinely achievable. I’ve yet to feel overwhelmed by it, because it will always be something I can do.
Finally, regarding our goals being time-limited, we must see parenting as a process that does not end, but that does have tangible benchmarks. Again, using the above example, I know the day will likely come when my son simply refuses to participate in this question and answer game the way he does now. At that time, my goal will have come to a natural end. So while I do not know exactly when that will occur, when that time comes I will have achieved my goal, and I have already set that as my “deadline.” It may not be as specific as I’d like, but it is specific enough to let me know when I am done. I just don’t know when that will be. And just for your information, when he does start putting up a stink, I will simply begin telling him “I love you forever and ever because you’re my David,” whether he likes it or not. I can see myself signing off on emails with that tagline when he is in college. That may seem so small, but if I do that for his entire life, I can see him mentioning it at my funeral - and knowing, without a doubt, that I indeed loved him forever and ever because he was my son.
Go for It!
So ultimately my advice is to sit down sometime after reading this, write out your vision, set some parenting goals that take the natural limitations of parenting into account, and just go for it. Have a spouse or other loved one help you come up with some simple ideas to start, and better yet, give them permission to follow up and ak how you are doing on your goals. Is it somewhat “cheesy?” Absolutely. But so what? Do it anyways. Do it now. And enjoy the benefits of knowing that you are taking real, tangible steps towards being a better parent.
Jay Lambert is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in private practice in Phoenix, Arizona. Having been a challenging child himself while growing up, Jay understands from both the adult’s AND the child’s perspective the ways in which the social/emotional dynamics of the child’s home are often at the root of behavior problems. Jay believes that behavior problems can almost always be corrected without risky medications or expensive long-term treatment through the insightful and strategic use of positive energy, and has been using Howard Glasser’s Nurtured Heart Approach since 2005 to do precisely that for hundreds of families.
To learn more, please feel free to contact Jay at:
http://www.JayLambert.com
jay.lambert@me.com
(623) 363-3031
