Privilege and responsibility are two sides of the same coin. When a child begs for a pet and starts out with the ubiquitous goldfish, who is in charge of it; whose fault is it when the fish dies of starvation? If a child can handle the privilege of having his own pet, he should handle the responsibility of caring for it; and if he does not care for it he will face the fact that neglected fish don't live long. That is a hard lesson for a child, but many of us can tell stories of our own goldfish lessons.
On the other hand there are parents who won't trust even a ten-year-old with a goldfish; underestimating the child with the result of not assigning enough responsibility to him. I knew a woman, Lana, who was a very helpful Mom. She could not bear to see her child struggle. When Tom was in 4th grade she was 'helping' him with school projects. Rather than ask, “What would be a good headline on this poster?” Lana would say, “Here you should write, 'the origin of the pumpkin seed' in big orange letters.”
Then she would pick up the marker and write the letters for him, since “If he wrote it, it would be too messy.”

Lana very carefully taught Tom that if someone else can perform the job more neatly it is fine to have someone else do your schoolwork, or your housework, or your office work.. At 18 years old Tom saw his friends becoming self-sufficient adults, while he still had his Mom making his bed every morning. This did not impress girls the way he wanted!

If you satisfy your child's every whim, then don't be surprised when you have a 16-year- old who expects you to wash her clothes, feed her, dress her, and give her the car keys. Better yet, just buy her a car of her own so the car is ready when she wants it. If a child grows up with all the privilege and never the responsibility she will learn to expect all the privileges, and will take for granted that you, dear Parent, are here on Earth to fulfill her wishes.

If we always cover for our children, they never realize that action, or lack thereof, results in consequences, and they end up whining when facing situations they consider unfair. Life is seldom fair, but mature people do not whine about the vagaries of reality, as they realize there are situations over which they have no control. It is only our own actions we control.

You probably know adults who still do not take blame - or credit - for their own actions. There is the man who never apologizes for any mistakes, but tries to blame anyone else who happens to be standing around.
I would bet you know a woman who takes the blame for the mistakes of everyone else; “Oh, no, it wasn't you! It is allmy fault!” These responses are two sides of the same coin.

Standing up and acknowledging ones actions is a sign of courage and sometimes of wisdom. Parents must allow children to face the music independently now and then. This is so hard for most of us; most parents don't want to see their children disappointed, reprimanded, or failing. Many parents, especially mothers, find it very difficult to be the disciplinarian, but discipline is part and parcel of teaching the reality of consequences. Just remember that after negative discipline there must be hugs and those magical words, “I love you no matter what.”

There are times when we will shield our children from their just desserts, when the child sets in motion a chain of events that lead to an overwhelming conclusion. One example is hitting a baseball through the neighbor's car window. Can your child afford to pay to replace the windshield on an SUV? I would guess not. However he could certainly wash that SUV for a month to help pay the damages and to impress upon him that he is the one who smashed the window, not you, nor the owner's insurance company. Too many parents allow damage caused by their children to be repaired solely by the adults. Let's teach our children to make reparation for their own errors. This is not punishment, it is teaching them to be honest and fair to the persons who own those broken windshields.

Children need to have the opportunity to prove they are self-reliant. They can carry their own snacks, their own shoes, making their own beds. Even a two-year-old can pull a blanket off a bed; teach him to pull the opposite direction, and then comes the privilege of sleeping in the 'big bed'. Learning how to set the table earns the privilege of being considered 'a big girl'. Taking on the completion of his own school projects will earn a boy the privilege of being passed to the next grade.

Will the bed look perfect? Will the flatware be straight on the table? Are you going to walk in and rearrange it all while your child watches you? If you do that, don't expect them to do it tomorrow; what's the point when you are just going to do it over as soon as they finish? You may as well tell the child their work sucks, and do it yourself in the first place instead of wasting their time. Teaching a child these simple chores requires that you sit on your hands, and that you not see the crooked blankets and off-center plates. Or you could do things with your child, so they can imitate your movements, share time with you, and improve in their efforts. This takes more time of course, but it pays off when they are 10 and can do it correctly all on their own. Most important is the sense of accomplishment the children gain, and the knowledge that they are contributing members of the family. That is a lesson well worth a little more of your time as they grow, is it not?

And what about that boy, Tom; is Lana still washing his clothes and making his bed? No. Very happily Tom figured out that the reason he was dissatisfied with everything around him was really due to having no self-respect. He realized that unless a person takes responsibility for his own life, he is only a poser. “Privilege” means nothing unless it is earned, and when all is handed to you on a silver platter you have no pride in accomplishment. Tom moved out of his mother's house, read the washing machine manual, figured out how to take care of himself; in short, Tom grew into a self-reliant, sensible man. Lana is very proud of him, with good reason.
May all of us be as blessed in our children.

Diane Spoehr is a 3rd Dan Degree Black Sash in the ancient Korean Martial and Healing Art of Hwa Rang Do®, with 10 years of experience teaching children and adults of all ages. She has taught many children and their parents how to develop self-discipline, demonstrate courtesy, and achieve their goals. Diane Spoehr is the Head Instructor and Owner of the Hwa Rang Do School of Jacksonville, located in Mandarin and Julington Creek.

Website: www.hwarangdofl.com
Email:   hrdjax@bellsouth.net